Becoming yourself again

An abusive partner strips away your identity.


“In the beginning, you compromise a lot – you change who you are – to be somebody that he wants you to be.  So, in the end you don’t have – you’re not yourself.”

[Gloria – age 41 with a 1 year old boy]

“You feel like you are wrong – for me I was thinking always that I was all wrong; I’m doing the wrong thing, when he says so.”

[Julien Rosa – age 24 with 3 and 7 year old boys]


In escaping the violence, women talk about rebuilding their sense of self.


“I’ve gone through quite a lot of transitions – it’s weird – maybe it’s just because you can be yourself.  I always wanted to dye my hair – so – why not? – I can now; wear what you want, eat what you want.”

[Violet – age 35 with a 6 year old boy]

“[I had] a couple of pieces of clothing I didn’t wear because my mind is still trying to figure out – what do I wear? – after being so long in isolation…  you tend to forget what your style was.  So you make mistakes and buy things and then think – no, this ain’t me – so you put it aside.”

[Cathy – age 46 – no children]


And in a safe place, they feel they are becoming themselves again.


“I’m still who I am – I’m just able to be who I am.  Because you kind of forget who that person is when you’re in a relationship like that.  So – I don’t feel I’ve changed; I think I’m just becoming who I am again.”

[Helen – age 52 with 3 adult children]

“I can be myself – I am so happy!  So much more happier than I was at home – the true me has actually come out – instead of hiding the person that I was – I’m the person I want to be.” 

[Aliya – age 24 – no children]

Mothering on the move

Over half the women making journeys to services have children with them – and their children are important in what they are thinking and doing.


Mothering on the move is not easy – women are trying to support their children to make sense of the abuse and to understand the need to relocate; at the same time as dealing with all the practical and emotional disruptions.


I said [to the Housing officer] – if I was on my own, I’d sleep in a tree; but it’s my little baby!  Why does he have to go through that?  

[Gloria – age 41 with a 1 year old boy]


For my son – changing schools – you know, it confuses children from one place to another.  It’s like – he’s changed three times […] in a short period of time; so it wasn’t something that I wanted to do to my children.

[Tracy – age 34 with a 12 year old boy and a 3 year old girl]


I think she [daughter] always feels that she ain’t going to be around her friends forever – she thinks she’s always going to be taken away from them.  That’s why I want to have her settled before she’s in a school – because it’s getting close now – and I just don’t want to have to move her.

[Jenny – age 21 with a 3 year old girl]


My daughter hates me, because she’s lost her friends – she’s got difficulties with social – she’s Asperger’s – so, of course, she’s made friends and all of a sudden she’s got to go as well – so she’s suffering.  And I wouldn’t let her out, so she says – I’m going to run away; because you won’t let me out – it’s wrong.  But I couldn’t explain to her – because he’s [ex partner] always nice to her – do you know what I mean.  In fact, sometimes, he’d try and get her on side against me.

[Maud – age 42 with an adult son and 14 year old girl]


However, in escaping the violence, mothers also talk about the positives as their children are able to feel safe and begin to recover; and they themselves are able to be the mother they would want to be.


I think what a better life we’ve got now, and he’s changed – he’s like a different child – all that anger’s gone; and the swearing and the pulling of the hair – he’s like a different person.  And the compliments that people say – oh, he’s an asset to you; isn’t he polite…  and when I was with his dad I’d never had that – never – because he was just so naughty.

I really do enjoy life, and I appreciate life – so you have got a bit of a second chance to make a relationship with your child.

[Violet – age 35 with a 6 year old boy]


It’s like last Mother’s Day she put her arms around me and give me a hug and said – you’re the best mum ever!  It’s the first time ever in my life she’s hugged me – because she doesn’t do hugs; they [children with Asperger’s] don’t like that – touching things. 

[Maud – age 42 with an adult son and 14 year old girl]


Now – the more often that I take him out – he’s getting used to it now; and I’m actually happy for him – his health and everything has just changed.  He used to be plugged with colds and coughs and all that, but now he’s a happy baby!

[Gloria – age 41 with a 1 year old boy]